Today I was digging through boxes in the garage looking for clothing. Clothing that had been boxed away that have finally begun to fit me again. Expanding my tiny wardrobe and I came across it. In a huge box, crumpled beneath layers of dresses was my wedding dress. Wrinkled and cold and long forgotten. Not delicately placed but tossed inside the box to later leave me questioning, "what did I do with my wedding dress?"

I'd repurposed it in the past. My mother had always kept her wedding dress sealed in a special air tight container just in case one day my sister or I could use it on our wedding days. But, my sister didn't like it and it never would have fit me. So trapped it stayed in its' cardboard shrine. No, my dress was not to be enshrined. I read a magazine article once about a table cover that had been made out of an old prom dress that was bought in a second hand store. I thought it a lovely idea. So I covered my hall table with it for a while and it gave it a fantastic touch. One day though, amidst my moves, I had boxed it up along with some others and forgot about it. Today, I pulled and tugged and dragged that huge monster box inside. I found things that I had forgotten and missed. My paddle that I wore as a neophyte in my sorority, that I had made myself. Shoes without mates.

I have come so far, but it seems just full circle. Back where I started when I used to have that dress on the side table on the top of the stairs in my own little town house. I gave up my freedom then because of fear. I was afraid to be alone. I was afraid that I couldn't do it on my own. But my fear dragged me down deeper and deeper into the depths. Until I broke away again, only to return once more. And so here I am, here I sit. Here I stand. Here I wash, here I clean. Here I am in this house. In this place. In this marriage once more. But how could one ever expect to have a full blossoming apple tree if the seeds were planted on rocky ground... If the roots were never able to grab hold, how can the tree nourish itself and grow? One has to take that tree and find another soil that is fertile and replant that tree. Nourish it, love it, water it and watch the transformation and growth unfold. That tree is me. I am replanting myself. I want to grow. I want to change. I want to be the best me that I never even dreamed I could be. with all my fruit nearby me. :) 

Interested in repurposing your wedding dress?  Take a look at this article for ideas on things you can do with your dress instead of shoving it in a box or giving it away.

So I had a weird dream again last night. I almost hesitate to write about this one because of the recurring theme. Unfortunately, I can’t remember as much as I did the last time, with my last dream that I wrote of here. I just remember being shocked by it when I awoke and quickly replaying it in my mind. That usually helps the dream stick some in my mind.

So it was a long dream, and I only remember these bits and pieces. I just remember running away and it was my husband that was chasing me. He wanted to kill me. I remember running in some big huge ditch over dirt and mud. I jumped in an SUV, I think it was his car and I was driving away, but he climbed in through the back window. I remember trying to get away. Then the next thing I remember we were in some sort of a room. And this was it. I had a gun and someone next to me handed me bullets and told me to load it and shoot him. I had never done it before, and they offered to help, but I for some strange reason wanted to do it on my own, I wanted to learn now. So I started pushing the bullets in, but it was really a roll of quarters. But I kept pushing them in anyhow. I tried to shoot the gun, but it didn’t go off. I had loaded it incorrectly somehow. Then I looked at my husband. He was sitting behind a desk. He opened the zipper of his pants and pulled out an oozie from his pants. And he shot me twice in the stomach. I didn’t feel pain. But I knew I was shot. And that’s all I can remember. Kind of weird though that he pulled the shot gun from his pants.

So I went to my online dream dictionary and pulled up all of the references that I relate to my dream and have included them here. Why do I keep having these dreams with this theme of me, my husband and death? This is starting to bother me.

Killer
To see a killer commit murder in your dream, foretells sadness caused by the misdeeds of others. To dream that you are killed or being chased by a killer, foretells that enemies are working against you.

Murder
If you dream of witnessing a murder in your dream, it forewarns that someone will do something that upsets or saddens you. Dreaming that you are murdered by someone means you have rivals who are secretly conspiring against you. Also see "Murderer", below

Murderer
To see a murderer kill someone in your dream foretells sadness caused by the misdeeds of others. To dream that you are killed or being pursued by a murderer, foretells that enemies are working against you.

Self-Defense
If you defended yourself in your dream, you should avoid forcing any important issues for the time being, as someone you count on for support could suddenly fail you. Also see "Martial Arts"

Shot
If you dream of shooting someone with a gun, your reputation is going to suffer in some way. If you get shot, you will be annoyed by a nasty person. If you hear the sound of shooting in your dream, this means that selfishness will be the cause of unhappiness between you and someone you love. Also see "Gun".

Gun
To dream about a gun may mean you feel pressured by a male person in your life. It can also represent anxiety and the need for protection. Also see "Shot".

Chase / Chasing
Being chased in a dream means you are avoiding facing a threatening situation in real life.

Relatives
If you dream of a family member trying to hurt or kill you, this reflects your anxiety over your real-life relationship with this person. They may have been behaving in an embarrassing or emotionally hurtful way toward you. Also see "Family."

Family
If you dream about your family, it may be a way for your mind to express feelings and concerns about your real faimly that you could not express in daily life. Some believe that this dream usually has nothing to do with your actual family members, but rather the male and female sides of your own personality or self. So in a dream, your father may represent your expressive and protective aspects, while your mother could stand for your receptive and nurturing side. If family members behave very differently in a dream than they do in real life, or if unexpected things happen when you are with your dream family, the dream is probably a way of releasing your anxiety about real-life family issues. For instance, if you dream of a family member trying to hurt or kill you, it reflects a real-life concern about this person. They are acting in a way that hurts you, or threatens your emotional happiness.

Running
Running in a dream suggests that you are feeling trapped or pressured in a real life relationship. It can also mean you feel stressed by school or work. Also see the "Running" explanations below, and also see "Track."

Quarter
If you dreamed of quarters (the coin), you will receive unexpected gains but they will come with responsibility. Make sure you act in accordance with your inner values!

When tomorrow starts without me,
and I'm not there to see,
If the sun should rise and find your eyes
All filled with tears for me:

I wish you wouldn't cry
The way you did today,
While thinking of the many things,
We didn't get to say.

I know how much you love me,
As much as I love you,
And each time that you think of me,
I know you'll miss me too:

But when tomorrow starts without me,
Please try to understand,
That an angel came and called my name,
And took me by the hand.

And said my place was ready,
In heaven far above,
And that I'd have to leave behind
All those I dearly love.

But as I turned to walk away,
A tear fell from my eye
For all my life, I'd always thought,
I didn't want to die.

I had so much to live for,
So much left yet to do,
It seemed almost impossible,
That I was leaving you.

I thought of all the yesterdays,
The good ones and the bad,
I thought of all the love we shared,
And all the fun we had.

If I could relive yesterday,
Just even for a while,
I'd say good-bye and kiss you
And maybe see you smile.

But then I fully realized,
That this could never be,
For emptiness and memories,
Would take the place of me.

And when I thought of worldly things,
I might miss come tomorrow,
I thought of you, and when I did,
My heart was filled with sorrow.

But when I walked through heaven's gates,
I felt so much at home.
When God looked down and smiled at me,
From His great golden throne,

He said, "This is eternity.
And all I've promised you.
Today your life on earth is past,
But here life starts anew.

I promise no tomorrow,
But today will always last,
And since each day's the same way
There's no longing for the past.

You have been so faithful,
So trusting and so true.
Though there were times
You did some things

You knew you shouldn't do.
But you have been forgiven
And now at last you're free.
So won't you come and take my hand
And share my life with me?"

So when tomorrow starts without me,
Don't think we're far apart,
For every time you think of me,
I'm right here, in your heart.

Author Unknown_______________________________

I found this poem on line today and it touched me. I thought I would share it with you all. It is especially fitting today. Today is Veterans Day and it brings me memories of my uncle who passed away this year, he was a Veteran. I thought I would share it with you all in case any one has experienced any recent losses of a loved one, or may be losing one slowly, like we lost my uncle.

Once upon a time, there was a little girl. She spent her days locked in her room, reading book after book to escape into worlds unknown to her, and finding freedom within their smooth pages. She knew little of jumping rope and using hula hoops, her coordination limiting her in those regards. What she knew of was books, and dreams and hopes of one day being something different. Being a "grown up" seemed to be the golden key. The door that would open endless possibilities and happinesses. No more being told what to do. No more scrubbing floors and meaningless chores. No more being different, an outsider. She would automatically belong. She'd marry her Prince Charming and they would live happily ever after.

Well, about 25 years ago, I was that little girl with all of hopes for life laying before me. I never did get that golden key. And merely exchanged difficulties of childhood (as I saw them) to newfound difficulties of adulthood, motherhood and the like. Once upon a time, I thought my life would be perfect and it has been far from that. So this is who I am still at heart, just a little girl snuggled in the corner of my bed reading books and waiting for my life to begin.

I had a dream last night that I was picnicking at a park with my family. We were sitting on an embankment of a lake. My husband had taken the kids canoeing. The lake was surrounded by trees. And the water in the lake, was murky and brown, as if it were muddy. My husband came out of the canoe, but I think he left something in the canoe that I wanted to reach over and pull out. So I walked to the edge and reached over and somehow I fell in. All of a sudden I was surrounded by the water. And it was so murky, I could feel myself falling. I could hear my aunt screaming that I had fallen in telling my husband to save me, but he didn’t come. I looked around to save myself. I had to find the light and swim in the direction of the light, but the light was below me and I was confused. I was suspended. I wasn’t sure if I was upside down or not. I was surprisingly calm especially when I realized that I could breathe shallowly in the water. But it came to me then that I was going to die. And I relaxed and let myself go.

The next thing I knew, I opened my eyes and I was still breathing shallowly, I had awoken from the dream in the bed in my room at my mother’s house. It was my old bed and it was positioned where it was probably about 15 years ago when I was living there. And I realized I was okay. So I got up and left and went to visit an old friend. While I was at her house, I had set up my art collection on a series of shelves. It’s a collection that I don’t even own, but I did in my dream and I was proud of it. But my friend was disgusted by it. She felt it was pornography of some sort and didn’t want to see it. I remember being surprised, and embarrassed, so I gathered all of it together to put away. I don’t remember what was in the collection, except for one doll head. The kind that stands up on the table and you can brush their hair. Later, I woke up and remembered the dream and thought how odd it was that I accepted death in my dream, only to wake up from the dream (in my dream and realize it was a dream) and continue dreaming. So weird. Anyhow, I looked up certain things from the dream dictionary and put them here, the ones that were petinent to my dream. It’s crazy, but I think all the answers are here in what I found in the dream dictionary. What do you think this means?

Canoe
To see or sit in a canoe in your dream represents serenity, simplicity and independence. It is also a reflection of your emotional balance. You are moving ahead thanks to your own power and determination.


Drowning
Drowning in a dream signifies you can no longer hide your feelings about a certain situation. These dreams usually occur when the dreamer is feeling overwhelmed in real life.

Death
Dreams about death are not necessarily bad omens, but they usually represent anxious or angry feelings. To dream of your own death is actually positive - it means renewal and letting go of an old stage of life. This is also a common dream when you are getting over an illness - and it's a good sign that you are getting better. However, if you dream that you are dying slowly, you need to drastically change your routine and reenergize your life.

Water
Water is the universal symbol for emotions. How water looks and behaves in a dream is very significant. Here are some meanings for different water dreams: Rising water indicates rising emotions. Turbulent, choppy waters, in which a dreamer fears being swamped or drowning, symbolizes that you are being overwhelmed emotionally. Cloudy water suggests lack of emotional clarity. If you dream that you are able to breathe underwater, you are open to unconscious feelings and psychic awarenesses.

Lake
To see a lake in your dream signifies your emotional state of mind. If the lake is clear and calm, it symbolizes your inner peace. If the lake is disturbed and wavy, then you may be going through some emotional turmoil.

Trees
Lush green trees in your dreams symbolize new hopes, growth and desires.

Rescue
Being rescued from danger in a dream means you may need to end an unhealthy relationship or situation in your life

Waking Up
If you dream of waking up while still dreaming, you have a creative nature and are open to new ideas.

Doll
Dreaming of a doll means someone is being dishonest with you in real life.

Doll House
To see or play with a dollhouse in your dream symbolizes your idealistic notions about family life. Alternatively, the dollhouse in your dream may mean that your mind is trying to solve and work out waking problems with family members as you sleep

Pornography
Often, this dream is also symbolic of your fear about exposing some aspect of yourself. For all dreams involving pornography: if your dream was upsetting or unpleasant in any way, it signifies that you need to feel more in control of your own sexuality and romantic life. Don't let yourself be pressured by any person or by society.

So it's been a while since I've blogged and it still feels weird doing it here. I'm not sure why, maybe because it's different. For those of you who didn't know, I had my tubes tied on Friday. A tubal ligation actually is the name. And I'm still recupperating. It hasn't been that bad, but it could have been easier. Ever since, I've been kind of sad. Just knowing that I can't ever have any more children, no more babies for me. It makes me feel sad. Not that I want another one, mind you. i don't want to be pregnant again. Who would want that? The fat hot hungry misery of pregnancy... You see these women on TV and they speak of pregnancy like it's art, some miraculous Mona Lisa hanging on the the wall. But it's nothing like that at all. It's like having an alien come and set up residence inside of you for 10 months and then at the end you're hazed into infant boot camp through a tortoruous delivery of some type. So, that's the furthest thing from my mind. Who would want that? So then why does it make me so sad knowing I will NEVER have it again? Ugh. Sometimes I exasperate myself with my thoughts.

So just yesterday, as I was driving back home to relax after I dropped off the kids the weirdest thing happened. Standing at the corner, waiting for the bus, was my 1st boyfriend ever. His name was Luis. And he looked just the same, but older. Same haircut, everything. I stared at him and inched my car closer so that I could get a better look. It was him. But he was a lane away from me, so conversation was impossible. As I was pulling away, he saw me and stepped out to get a better look at me and my heart dropped. I kept on going. What would I have said to him? Should I have given him a ride? Should I just have thanked my lucky stars that I wasn't still with him and standing next to him on that bus stop as I did? I don't know. But it made me think. Not of endless love, but of puppy love, and letters, and poems and sweetnesses that was our relationship. I can't help but think that I missed my chance. For what I don't know. I guess to be nosey and find out what he was, how many kids he had, was he married. Yeah I guess that's it. I wanted to know about him today. But I missed the chance, cause the light turned green and I just kept on going. Anyhow, I'm leaving early to go home and rest. Just a bit of my random thoughts today. Hope you enjoyed the window into my mind.

Shattered memories.
Glimpses of the past as we make love
Silent stares
Endless silence
Confusion
Love untold
You kissing me
Me kissing you
You kissing her
Pieces of me slip away
Replaced by steel
You fuck me
I fuck you
You fuck her
I lie alone
Embracing you in my dreams
Once upon a time
Happily ever after you promised me
You promised ME
There is a hole in my chest
A burning hole
It shoots live fire through me
Your words burned in my mind forever
Your face so terrible
Who are you?
Where is he?
The man who promised me happilty ever after?
He's gone
And now all I'm left with is a fucking hole
And words that run through my mind
If you would have known him then you would have believed too
Really believed.
eternity endured
Ever after is here and happily long gone.
pennies tarnish over time
At least I have my hole
I guess

It's weird. But it just dawned on me that I'm all grown up. I remember being a kid and wanting so badly to be here, in this place. A place where I make my own decisions do my own thing, now I'm the boss of me. But it's funny because I don't FEEL different. Just the same as when I was little, but I've just SEEN more and DONE more. I stilll love swinging on the swings at the park. I still love the slide. And laughing til it hurts. Chrismas mornings and Halloween. I still love them all. How did it happen without me noticing? When did it pass? Was it one moment or a series of them? When I went from being a girl into being a woman. Was it my first kiss, my first boyfriend, my first love, my first dance, all of these things stringing together making me into a woman? I don't know when it happened, but I know it's official. I'm no longer a child, because i have my own children. I'm no longer little anymore. I'm all grown up. Me, just better I guess...

My daughter was on the bed between my husband and I last night and I looked at her and wondered what her husband would be like one day. I wish so much for her! I want her to have a husband that loves her, that adores her, that treasures her. I want him to look at her and see all of the things that I see. I want him to treat her so good, like such a princess, with a love so great. I want that for her. Love, above all else. I hope she never knows worry or need or frustration or anger. i know that this hope is impossible, because if one doesn't experience those things, how can one truly know when you are experiencing the real thing? without pain and hurt, how can you know and appreciate love and happiness? Or maybe it's just that by knowing those things, it makes the sweet, so much sweeter.

And of course for my sons, I want them to marry women just like me. :) What more could a mother ask for?

Yesterday as I was sweeping the kitchen floor for the second time in the day, I glanced over at the kitchen window. The kitchen curtain had fallen down nearly a week earlier and my husband still hadn't hung it back up. Anger pulsed through me as I continued to clean and then a thought came to mind. So clear it was if I was watching TV. I saw myself getting up on the step ladder to fix it myself, and because I wasn't tall enough to reach the top, I pushed on it, lost my footing and slipped, I crashed through the huge kitchen window on to the driveway below. My body mangled with the curtain beneath me as I lay dead. A feeling of satisfaction crept through me as I imagined my husband rushing to the window and seeing my dead body below and being riddled with guilt. He saw the curtain and knew what had happened. It was all his fault. But too little, too late because I was gone. If only he had hung the curtain the day it fell instead of leaving it there. If only.....

This fantasy, although odd, is not the only one that I have ever had of this kind. I sometimes revel in the thought of what he would do after I'm gone. As I finished the day dream and continued sweeping, it dawned on me how strange the fantasy might really be. To kill yourself off in daydreams? Daydreaming of being dead??? Does anyone else do this or is it just me?? I meant it's not like this was the first time that this thought has ever crossed my mine. I frequently envision different scenarios of my own death. And nothing ever suicidal mind you, but always caused inadvertently by someone else. Earlier in the day even, I had imagined myself tripping over my son's sandals which were thrown at the top of the stairs as I was carrying a huge bag of laundry down to the basement. I imagined myself falling down the stairs and of course being dead at the bottom. How long would it take my husband to find me I wondered?

I've killed myself off in a variety of ways, I've been smashed in a car wrecks, attacked and killed by intruders, fallen through windows, down stairs, choked on food, had a heart attack, all ending in my own death. So odd and grotesque that I have these day dreams. All of them my own sweet personal revenge for not doing something or another. For not helping me enough, not doing enough, and me doing too much. What exactly do I want him to do you're probably asking so that I can stop killing myself off in daydreams? Well, maybe cleaning the kitchen every once in a while for starters. Taking down the laundry, or putting away the clean laundry. Hey I'd be thrilled if he put HIS own laundry away!! Yes, he doesn't even do that.

I'm just bone tired. I work 40 hours a week and commute 10 hours a week in a car with no A/C. Nope, none! I get home to cook, clean and wash and I'm in bed every night by 11:30pm on a GOOD night and all the while he's just sitting on his butt watching TV. As if his male anatomy has entitled him to a life of being king and my female anatomy has entitled me to a lifetime of servitude. Like I said, I'm tired. Amazing how little things like not helping out around the house can kill even the strongest libidos.

My husband tells me, "well I don't ask you to cook for me so why should I clean up the kitchen?" Are you kidding me? And when I DON'T cook he starts complaining that he has a headache and he hasn't eaten all day. So that's his excuse when I do cook for not cleaning, that he didn't ask me to do it. When he cooks (which rarely happens), I better clean because he cooked. When I don't cook and there's dishes in the sink, he tells me "well you didn't cook for me so I'm not cleaning up that mess!". Either way around, it's always ME cleaning up.

Anyhow, like I said. I'm tired. I'm going on a cooking strike. Good bye home cooked meals! Hello oodles n noodles, Mac n Cheese, hot dogs, Chef Boyardee, chicken nuggets on paper plates with plastic utensils. Cause Mama is all tired out.

Why do some people feel that they have the right to hurt your feelings in the name of telling you the truth? Have you ever had a friend like this. One who had no regard for others and just went about tellling everyone whatever came to their minds because it was their right and they were being honest and truthful?? They say they are your friend and then turn around and spit fire at you with their mouths. Throwing salt on top of open wounds. Is it really necessary? And how much of a friend are you to say things that you know are going to intentionally hurt me? I'm beginning to wonder if I shouldn't just crazy glue my lips together permanently. Just walk around with my lips welded together. So that no one will have any cause for giving me their honest opinion of me and what I do with MY life. Yes, MY life. MY choices. MY mistakes. Not YOURS. You can do what you want to do with YOUR life. Be as honest as you want. REAL friends CARE about you and how you feel and don't just drop bombs on you just BECAUSE it's the TRUTH and it has to be spoken.

REALITY CHECK all you honest people out there.. the truth does not have to be spoken. ESPECIALLY if it is the truth from YOUR point of view AND it's going to hurt your friends feelings. In the end your callous tongue is going to be flapping at yourself when you find yourself all alone because all of your "friends" have just disappeared.

"Love never dies a natural death. It dies because we don't know how to replenish its source. It dies of blindness and errors and betrayals. It dies of illness and wounds; it dies of weariness, of witherings, of tarnishings."
Author unknown by me

I found this quote on line today. It speaks volumes in such few sentences. My question is, how do you know when love is really dead? Maybe, when you have to ask the question...

I wouldn't trade it all in for anything. Because one day, my little ones that need so much from me now, one day they'll spread their little wings and fly the nest and they won't come back, because they'll be too busy building their own nests and starting their own lives. And when that happens, I (ME) I will be back. My life will be about me again. But it won't be the same as when I was young and my life was all about me. It will be different somehow. Too quiet. Too empty. Like a house that is a home one day and the next if the family moves out and takes everything, it's different. The walls echo when words are spoken within them. No longer is it a warm place, but a hollow shell of what once was, it's just a house. Oh sure, my nails and my hair will be done, but no one will be around to wake me up in the morning. And cuddle in next to me in bed. There will be no little boys standing around idly rubbing my back while I pick up a broken glass and when I ask what they're doing telling me "I'm just rubbing your back Mami cause I love you".

http://www.femalefirst.co.uk/celebrity/Will+Smith-...
i found this article really interesting. the redefinition of relationships. What do you think???

Spring is here, in the air. You can feel it when you walk outside. It pulses in the air all around you. With every breath that you take, you can feel it pumping through you. The energy, the newness, the life of it all. Leaves, grass, flowers, all in bloom.

I love taking walks now at lunch. To anywhere and nowhere in particular just to get out and breathe in the spring. Feel my lungs expands with its fullness and fertility. With each step that I take, my body recharges. It fills me with a light that illuminates from inside of me. And men stop and stare at me as I am reborn.

I took the kids with me to the local polling place yesterday evening. Carina was in her stroller and Christopher and Eric took turns on a RAZOR scooter that someone from work gave me yesterday for them. On the way way there, my kids got really excited and Christopher started chanting "We're going to see Obama! We're going to see Obama!" I have no idea how he knew that name, cause we typically don't discuss politics at home. The weather was beautiful outside and there were so many people outside the polling place. I got to meet Tony Peyton while we were there. And Christina Tartaglione. They were both outside trying to get voters to vote for them. I of course immediately went in and voted for Tony because he was so cute and so enthusiastic. And YOUNG! he's only 27, which he offered, I didn't ask. He asked my sons how old they thought he was and Christopher said "15!?" And Eric guessed "32?" He said he's the youngest person in office in Philadelphia.

Well, I think that's great. We need more great hot hott hotties in office. Why should we as Americans have to sit through watching hours of debate with aging politicians that looked like they've been dragged through the dirt in expensive suits after years of late nights with expensive hookers and gay rendezvous in public restrooms? I would love to watch him debate on TV anyday, I surely wouldn't change the channel then. :) Anyhow, we got into the polling place and pushed Carina into the booth with me. Well she was completely FREAKED out!! She wanted nothing of the mammouth monstrotity of a polling machine anywhere near her. She didn't like the blue curtain. Even my presence didn't comfort her. And my usually very quiet daughter started to SCREAM!!! My little angel was terrified!! Eric had to come over and push her out back over with him. As soon as he pulled her out of the curtain, she calmed down immediately. Funny though how that machine scared the mess out of my little girl. But I did, I went in and did my part to see if I could help change the world, our world. Of course my candidate of choice (Barack Obama) did NOT win in Pennsylvania, much to my dismay. But the one pleasing news was that Tony Peyton won by an overwhelming 62%! Hoorary for Hot Hott Hotties in office everywhere! When I left the polling place, there were more people outside yelling to attract last minute straggling voters (since it was so close to 8). "stick a fork in him! come in and cast your vote! you can help change America!" and you know, even though my candidate didn't win PA, I hope he does win the presidency. And I left feeling oh so good that I had taken my turn at sticking that big huge american fork into Bush. Out with the tyrant!!! Hooray for democracy!!

I stumbled across this articl on line today. It gave me a lot to think about. What is your take on this?


The Case For Open Relationships

My uncle passed away this past Sunday. It's been making me think a lot lately. Memories of him over the years. His life had been anything but easy. I remember being little at my grandmom's and John getting ready to jog. His room was always packed with books and lots of stuff and always reeked of cigarette smoke. A habit he never stopped. He'd put on about 3 pairs of tube socks and go running along the train tracks I think. He'd always joke with us and call us "turkeys" or "hot dogs". Over the years, I didn't see him as much as I should have, after he was paralyzed, it always pulled at my heart to see him lying in bed, so different from the way I remembered him as a child. So powerless. But no matter the amount of time, he was always happy to see me and would always welcome me back. It was so hard to see him recently, so weak, so thin, so small. But still, every time he saw me, he had a smile for me. I think his last days were ones of peace. His wishes were respected and he was home, with his family, exactly what he wanted. His death reminds me to hold all of my loved ones closer to me, to appreciate them more. And to remember that this life is finite. One day, it will come to an end for all of us. We never know when our time is, and we should live our lives keeping that in mind. Don't do things you will regret and just love all the harder. Isn't that what's it all about after all, love? Those will be the memories that are burned indellibly on your mind. Memories of love, laughter, kisses, hugs, all the things that come with family. Somehow, all of that always overshadows all of the bad memories (well most of the time anyway!). So I'm going to love and keep on loving, and give my children, my family and friends, the same legacy of love that was given to me.

that's what Will told me today. Only 20 more days to spring and I'm so excited about it now. excited enough that I'm blogging. It's been a while (since my bday) since I've written anything, but spring inspired me today. rejuvenation. new growth. new life. new beginnings. the time of year when the frozen ground begins to thaw and yields new things. do you remember what spring smells like? everything is a little softer, dewier, fresher. there's the smell of grass again and trees, and flowers. and the sounds, sound clearer. more birds singing happily. and bees buzzing by.

I'm looking forward to trips to the park with my kids. playing outside. walks after dinner. maybe even flying a kite. 10 years ago, I would have been looking forward to buying a new top and heading out to the bar with the girls and getting smashed. meeting new guys and dancing the night away. it's amazing how in only one decade, how your life can change, and you trade in one kind of fun for another. and this kind, it's of a different variety, no side effects, no hang overs, no regrets. i'm so happy right now. :)

So, I've decided that i'm going to get a new tattoo. for all of you who don't know, I have 1 tattoo. It's my husband's name in tiny scripted letters just below my tailbone. While we were separated I decided to get another tattoo to cover over it. But now that we're back together, I'm actually still considering covering it up. You know how they say one way to end a relationship is to get your significant other's name tattooed on you... So my thoughts are, how about if I cover it up, would that be a portent for better things to come in our relationship? well I talked to my husband about it and he was pissed. he thought that was the worst logic he had ever heard. But he doesn't have MY name tattooed on him. So, why should i? I'd like to tattoo a phoenix on my back. something that represents me. my life. Being reborn through fire. What do you think? should I get the phoenix to cover his name? Or should I just have his name somewhere incorporated into the tattoo?

My milk supply has dropped lower and I've had to start supplementing with more formula and it just makes me feel so bad. The baby, she can't tolerate the formula too well. And she throws up and it makes me feel like I'm a failure as a mother and a woman because I can't give her enough of what she needs.

Tomorrow is the last day for the secretary that works with me. She's switching jobs officially beginning Monday and it's been so crazy just taking on some of her work, once she's gone it's going to be even crazier. Then what? I think I'm just having a bad day all around. :(

Chelsea Lately is on TV now. They just talked about the new stud ranch that Heidi Fleiss is creating. It's the male version of the infamous bunny ranch in Vegas. A place where women can go and pay to have sex with men. The women on Chelsea Lately's panel couldn't seem to understand the concept of why women would want to pay to have sex with a man. Just based on the fact that a woman can usually always find a man that will be wiling to have sex with her pretty much anywhere.

I think it's a great idea. With the amount of career driven women that there are nowadays, I think the demand for a service like this will definitely have increased since 20 years ago or so. Basically, you would be paying for a night of good sex with a guy who is attentive to only you for that one night. You don't ever have to worry about him pestering you again. You don't have to wait for phone calls or emails or try to ignore overabundances of them. You don't have to worry about him lying to you. You'll never spend countless hours deciphering the meaning behind a simple phrase and the body language associated with it. Or have to lie in bed wondering where he is at 2am. You get exactly what you want, pure, unadulterated sex. Granted, you have to pay for it, but that's what you wanted to begin with. Women nowadays are indeed changing, even becoming more so like men every day… Now women are using men for their own pleasure. Now we will make them into our strumpets and toy with them until we are tired and walk away leaving them alone feeling empty and unfulfilled.

So while we women become more like men and make men our playthings, today men are also making changes. Some are becoming more so like women every day. Exploring their feminine sides by plucking their eyebrows, getting manicures and facials, wearing form fitting clothes. And these men are not gay, they're referred to as "metrosexuals". Men that are in touch with themselves and fashion, but are heterosexual.

So how does this all bode for our society as a whole? This role reversal of sorts, this world where women are more like men and men are more like women every day. How will this impact us? What will become of us all? What will our next generation be like? Raised by women who act like men and men who act like women… Or does it even matter, might it change nothing at all? Are our ideas of what a women is and what a man is simply imposed upon us by society, and perhaps these perceptions themselves are what is indeed unnatural?